Ben Elton

Inconceivable

Bantam Press, 1999.

I trod in this huge turd the moment we entered the park. Huge. No mortal dog could have passed such a turd. Honestly, I went in almost up to my knees. Any deeper and I would have had to call for a rope. London Zoo is situated at the bottom of Primrose Hill and I was forced to conclude that an elephant must have escaped

Sam has been persuaded that a midnight coupling at the summit, surrounded by candles and a sprinkling of primrose oil, is the only way that Lucy is going to conceive: 'the most positively powerful ley line within this, our ancient and magical land of Albany, runs right across Primrose Hill!' But there are worse dangers than dog shit. A squirrel finds its way into Sam's discarded trousers, with predictable results when he puts them on again. The police, alerted earlier by a nocturnal dogwalker convinced there are satanic practices afoot, appear as Sam leaps about screaming. Lucy concludes the tale:

Sam got into an awful mess trying to pull his trousers up...the sight that he must have presented to them in the torchlight could not have been pleasant. I should mention here that Sam's Donald Duck pants were also round his knees so that there was a second moon shining on Primrose Hill tonight. I think we were very lucky that they didn't do us for indecency